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Saturn
"The important thing in life is not be cured but to live with ones ailments"
My URL: http://www.ocdtribe.com/saturn




where is this place

Mood: Sad
Date: Jul. 01, 2007
Music:
I woke up this morning & felt a bit lost, i've been here plenty of times before but i don't alway's know how i get here as is the case this morning, there's nothing i can think of that brought me here this time. This place is cold & uncomfortable & brings me close to tears but it's not clear to me what evokes such feelings. This place exists because there's something missing, something that was never there in the first place. What should be there is my mother's love, the feeling that i'm worth something but it isn't & i don't think it ever has been. I think because she failed me, intentionally or not, i'm left with this huge void in my soul & i don't know how to fill it, fill it with what, the thing's i should of got from her are alien to me because i've never felt those things. I think if what's missing hadn't been then i wouldn't struggle with life so much. I can't be sure but i get the feeling if my relationship had been different with her then my ocd wouldn't exist or at least it would be a whole lot easier to deal with. I'm slowly learning that not all women are cold & aggressive but one can't blame me for believing that in the first place, i'm slowly starting to trust women, it's scary for me but it's necessary if i'm to function properly otherwise this sh*t will eat me up & take what life there's left within me.



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From: Ghos
July 8, 2007, 11:26 am
hey dude.. this is something thats pretty private and i wasnt really going to share it but....now that i read your post i feel compelled to. I dont know the exact situation but I do know i can relate to the fullest extent. I never had a father and my mother ive held a huge grudge against her for all of my life. but there comes a point where we have to forgive her. it's not an easy thing to do... i still dont know how to show love to her and she still kills me inside and i hate how in some ways ive become just like her... but anyways... this is an email i sent out to some friends .. it was real private and stuff but hopefully this at the least will show you you are not alone. i know you are not my therapists!!!! lol.... matter of fact... I'm not ashamed to say im seeing one starting next month... and its gonna be cool because im going to be a real special kinda patientt!! like doc i already know what i have..im more self aware then youll ever be so i dont need you to tell me what i have or why this that and the other!! just assist in me strengthening my knowledge so i am equipped to fight whatever attacks come my way thank you very much! =) ... ok but anyway..this lil opening was written after the vent............ cause i feel more relieved now after writing all this.....from here on out was written about an hour ago>>>> the hardest thing in the world to deal with........not talking bad on her but any advice would be greatly appreciated.........this is not a letter complaining and asking help for myself or my crazyness..because to be honest lately ive been doing really really good... I'm doing a lot of postive things for myself............im changing my attiitude regardless of what crazyness comes. ive bought these two books recently that really really opened my eyes to a lot of answers and im really spending a lot more time with friends and family and just goofing around and it feels good. so anyway...... just to get that out of the way;..... the problem lies within the family. And i know people dont normally put there business out there liek that but I'm a open book for the most part.............. my sister starts hyper ventilating and her heart beats really fast................ my brother has to cut her off the phone.............and its soo weird that its gotten to that point because he has always been her greatest comforter......... my sister in puerto rico....... has held grudges against her for so long.........now am i just over here trying to make my mother look like a monster? NO..i love her so much..... i dont want anyone to solve my problems........im not asking for that........ but any sugggestions on experiences or anything would be a big help...cause im a strong believer in learning from our friends and hoping that perhaps people can learn somethings from me too..whether it be mistakes or something good that they pick up whatever it may be.... anyway... I recently noticed something in my mom........... that i always knew but it clicked on me not too long ago..........she walks into a room and its like this darkness just fills the room..it is soo messed up to say because i would do anything in the world for this lady.................... soo i feel guilty as hell saying this but I just dont know how to handle it. I've tried every single way of acting towards her..try to be forgiving..that didn't work...tried to be loving.... nothing..tried to argue...even worst.........tried to ignore...she goes even crazier........i held such a grudge on her for so long because growing up i could never understand why the person that i love the most in the whole world... every day she curses me..... puts me down...tells me how god is going to punish me for everythiing i do... she its crazyness to everyone in the family.really really severely......... yet she has this sweet side to her. that's what makes it all the more harder to deal with ... try to talk to her about counseling or therapy.....................and she says god is going to take care of everythng....i dont blame her for having her strong faith in god... if anything i thank her for it... i thank her for rasinng me up with respect and teaching me that having a good heart is the most important thing in life.... I love my mom...... so much. but she refuses to get help because she saw what all these different medications and stuff back in the old days..did to her mother....... so ... I try my best to be the leader of this family... yea I havent graduated college ... im way behind that... i dont even have my own place yet...or a car.... but im learning responsibility paying my bills and trying my hardest to make up for all the lost time. It BURNS and kills me to see anyone that i love sad or hurt.... my sister my mother everyone......... i want to heal all their hurts and scars and turn our lives around................... but i know i cant do all of that im not superman nor am i claiming to be. I cant explain how much i adore this lady........ and ever since i was a lil kid i just could not understand why everything is the way that it is....... im not blaming my life on her..i grew past that stage..... ..we are all responsible for our own actions and descions.......... yea one option is for all of the family to just move on with our own lives and not do anything...but im tired of everyone running away and ignoring problems.... my whole family that's all they ever do. i'm not liek that. I dont believe that problems need to be a big drama fest where everybody tears each other apart... i think problems can be solved and worked on..granted its not easy but just recently i realized how much i need to act now because there was a big scare that she had breast cancer but the doctors are removing the abcesses and they appear to be non cancerous so far. it broke my heart to see her cry and be so afraid. but thank God that lesson is behind us. but if i cant help her or fix her life or heal her wounds... I say to myself just love her. And i say to myself just love her..and let her know that i will be by her side regardless...that's how unconditional love works. but i dont know what the next step is....... and im trying to find it........ again.......if you read this.....thanks for the time..and this is really not meant be ruin anybodys day. I just had to write this to vent out cause that's my release...and seeeing my sister get all hyper ventilated because of the stress was not cool... but yea god blesss everyone I just needed to write this i dont expect no miracle answers or anything but thanks for the time..mad love always paz.

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never allow yourself to be so trapped in the uglyness of your mind..that you let lifes beauty pass you by.
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From: Lalaya
July 4, 2007, 12:59 am
ok.. and here im not backing your mother up.. i dont know the history there, but i do know if you dont let it go your gonna eat your self up like this forever.. but try and think of her as someone else, think of the life she led.. and things that happend to her.. did she have great parents?.. or were they abusive to her also.. it souds liek your mum had issues of her own and shouldnt of had children.. but if you say that you wouldnt be here.. your sister who you love so dearly wouldnt be here and your neice who you love wouldnt be here, and all the people wjho love hem and you would be missing out on that.. from bad can come good charlie, instead of blaming your mum and hating her, turn it round.. pity her for what she missed out on, you have your life ahead of you you have all the love of a gf or wife possibley kids to come, shes missed out on that, through her own fault.. parents are just people.. and some people just arnt cut out to be parents..

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beautifulful world... twisted people..
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