I
have
had
OCD
since
I
was
5
years
old.
I
spent
most
of
my
life
engulfed
in
fear
and
anxiety.
I
allowed
OCD
to
define
me
for
years.
I
did
not
have
an
identity
outside
of
my
OCD
label.
The
worst
thing
I
did
was
waste
years
of
my
life
on
ritualistic
behaviors
and
giving
in
to
the
intrusive
thoughts.
I
had
always
thought
that
if
I
did
all
of
the
things
my
mind
told
me
to
do
that
nothing
bad
would
happen
to
my
children.
In
July
2009
I
lost
my
beautiful
daughter
Devon
in
a
drowning
accident.
I
had
just
started
"letting
go"
so
to
speak
because
everyone
was
telling
me
that
she
needed
her
own
personal
space
away
from
her
younger
siblings.
She
needed
to
get
out
of
the
house.
I
thought
that
using
the
buddy
system
and
imposing
an
early
curfew
would
keep
her
safe.
She
used
to
go
down
to
the
woods
next
to
my
house
with
her
younger
brother
and
a
friend
of
theirs.
They
were
all
close
in
age
so
they
hung
out
alot.
I
told
them
never
to
go
into
the
river
nearby
because
my
kids
couldn't
swim
and
I
knew
firsthand
the
dangers
of
drowning
from
my
own
close
experience.
I
had
finally
thought
that
all
of
my
OCD
actions
paid
off
and
my
older
kids
at
least
were
safe.
I
did
not
plan
on
the
blue
playground
ball
or
the
high,
rapid
current
that
day.
I
did
not
plan
that
on
this
day
my
son
would
not
heed
my
previous
warnings.
I
did
not
plan
on
him
jumping
in
after
the
ball
nor
did
I
plan
on
Devon
jumping
in
after
him
in
an
effort
to
save
her
brother's
life.
If
not
for
their
friend
I
would
have
lost
them
both.
She
was
able
to
save
my
son
but
could
only
watch
as
my
daughter
went
downstream
and
succumbed
to
the
raging
river.
I
wish
I
could
bring
her
back
and
take
her
place.
It
should
have
been
me.
I
have
been
dead
since
she
died.
I
go
through
the
motions
of
daily
living
but
I
am
not
truly
alive.
I
wish
I
had
spent
those
years
of
her
life
focusing
more
on
her
and
her
siblings
rather
than
always
living
in
fear
and
allowing
the
thoughts
to
take
over
my
life.
I
regret
that
my
OCD
still
plays
a
role
in
my
thinking
because
I
spend
each
day
thinking
for
hours
on
end
how
I
should
have
been
able
to
prevent
this,
how
I
should
have
told
them
they
couldn't
go
out
that
day,
how
I
should
have
trusted
my
instinct
that
day
when
I
felt
that
something
bad
was
gonna
happen.
But
then
I
think
how
could
I
truly
have
known
that
something
horrible
would
happen.
I
never
would
have
thought
I
would
lose
my
angel
forever.
I
hope
someday
that
I
may
find
peace.
