Mood: Tired
Date: Jan. 13, 2008
Early this morning I was having difficulty sleeping as I had started to get really anxious about attempting to go to my office building again. My CPN had suggested we plan the exposure quite meticulously this time and so we’d done that. It would actually be quite difficult to sit in the car just now as really cold and don’t really want to sit with the engine running whilst stationary so we decided instead to do a few circuits of the grassy area outside and then head into town to do a few bits of shopping and then do the same again when we came back. Anxiety pre exposure was quite high last time but felt like a 10 this time, maybe because memory of failure was still quite strong.  Well it actually went better than I expected and I’m a little further forward. The pre planning did help. Can’t believe it takes so much work and effort just to do something that I never even used to think about before! My anxiety score on journey into Exeter was 10 and was severely tempted to abandon my efforts as felt sick and terrified I’d not succeed again.  When we arrived my husband had to “persuade” me to get out of the car and we set off to walk around the block and pass the office building (the plan was to do this for 20 minutes or so). To start off with I was really tense, couldn’t look up and had dreadful pain in my neck and shoulders from holding myself so rigid. My anxiety score for 1st couple of circuits stayed at 10 but gradually it started to fall as I realised nothing “bad” was happening. I kept repeating, to myself, the fact that it was only a building and didn’t have any power over me and that seemed to help. We did about 6 circuits and by the time we left there and walked into town my anxiety score was down to a 6. Should really have carried on doing this longer but didn’t want anyone calling the police and saying there were a couple of people acting suspiciously outside some office buildings.  Doing the shopping was okay as it helped that I had a couple of things to buy and that provided a good distraction from thinking about when I’d have to go back and do a bit more before we left. When it was time to go back I took the time to think about what I’d achieved so far and tell myself the last time wasn’t so bad. I also did my breathing exercises and tried to concentrate on relaxing my body posture and not being so tense. Anxiety score as we came up to the road was only about a 7 this time and once we’d done the same amount of circuits it fell off to a 5. Feeling quite proud of this and just need to repeat this each week until the score goes down to 0. Once I’ve done that I can work up to entering the actual building and then progress to going into the office itself. Going to take some time to do all that but at least I’m back “on track”.