Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

To some people there is only black and white in the world and no inbetween. There is right and wrong and no inbetween. Good and bad and no inbetween. Sometimes I just want to be a shade of gray. Im tired. I worn down and I am exhausted. The last 5 years I have managed what I thought was a difficult child. Shame and guilt kept me from getting her help. So many mentioned maybe I was doing XYZ wrong. When I tried to get help it was more so like well try this or that and even maybe she is molested, poisoned ect...It got to the point were I did not want to get her help because I was afraid they would come up with all the same dumb assumptions as her uneducated doctor. You have no idea how dumb you feel taking your child for a test to see if she is poisoned. I knew deep down inside something else was going on but I was afraid to admit it, I do not know what was worse admitting that she had an issue or thinking some how my parenting caused an issue. All the while having this nagging feeling that this is not like my other children. I knew 6 hour tantrums were not normal. Have you fealt the embarassment when your child has a complete meltdown in a store? Worse than those kids you use to see and role your eyes and say oh hell no my kid will never do that. Have you had to explain the wierd quirks or apologize when she halls of and smacks someone for something not being perfect. That pain you feel when your know how sensitive your child is but she is actually ruining her friendships. To see her siblings avoid her. Im so tired. But you know what pisses me off even worse? When some one thinks it is a blessing. Oh your so lucky that your daughter has a perfectly clean backpack. Wow your so lucky she is so neat. Your kid know where all her things are? What I would give for my child to eat veggies. You know what it is not a blessing when she organizes her things all damn day and goes nuts if a crayon is out of place. It is not a blessing when she hits for hours because she scribbled out the line. It is not a blessing when she is so upset because she is not doing a art project good enough for her high standards. It is not a blessing when I am washing 5 loads of wash a day. It is not a blessing when she saves wrappers or when she sobs at misplacing a tiny insignificant thing. Worse off I would preffer her to eat crap somedays. I would rather her eat cookies and hamburgers than say at 4 my thighs are big no fries for me. To some people there is only black and white. Im glad my child performs advanced in every subject at school but I would much preffer her to have a c or even d as long as she was happy and proud of her self. But the craziest thing to all of this is that those same people who see this illness as a blessing are the same ones who point out all the downfalls. The seem to have all the "answers". Ignore her tantrums, pay her more attention, take away her toys. They are the ones who look at you like you can not control your child. Well guess what? If it was that easy we would not all have suffered so long. I have tried all things. The only thing I never tried was medicine and partly because of these same people who said oh that child needs jesus. Oh that child needs discipline. Oh that ocd add whatever is a crock. The never had that stuff when I was a kid, Blah blah blah! So now I have tried the medicine. I was told multiple times since that it was not a good idea. Even by the doctor I work for. Dont label your child. My child told me today mommy I like my medicine. I feel way happy and I do not worry. I feel not mad when things are not perfect. I only feel bugged not sad. That makes it so much worth it. Im tired of worrying about what others think. The truth is there is no black and white. There is only a whole bunch of grey but it feels better here.