“You do what you do at the time because it was right"
"Don’t regret the things you have done but the things you haven’t done”
RIP Nannies. I’m doing my best to live up to your words – I miss you both so much.
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If I can help others, it makes me feel a little better myself.
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In my eyes no one is a stranger, I just haven’t got to know you yet.
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Hmmm how much do you read until you switch off or skip through people’s profiles?????
I have broken it up into sections so it is not so boring to read and looks nicer too!!!
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OCD can make you sway between being compassionate and selfish or self centred. Mood swings are bad enough being a girl and OCD on top… LOL and I have the added bonus of RSI too. They say things come in threes!
How can you be so full of life and happy one moment and then want to run and hide the next? It only takes one tiny thing, a comment, a look, a hug or not, a message or not, the weather to be sunny or rain, a kiss.
That moment in your life that slight ripple, good or bad it can all come crashing down around you or you can be sitting on top of the world.
It’s also about us and who we are. How we were brought up by our parents by those around us, family and friends.
How others treat us with respect or just plain nasty. Why are people nasty, it only hurts and does nothing but cause pain.
Everyone we come across in our lives impact on us one way or another. To the person we love and adore to the person we walk past in the street. We react to those around us and what they do.
If I am reacting to what they have done are they doing the same? If I smile and say hello would that make them feel happier. Would that put a spring in their step? If they were in a dark place would that simple smile help?
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I watch Freddie run up and down the kitchen sides, tapping and talking to everything like he does, trying to find something to eat. He plays with wires on top of the cupboards. He whistles out loud when he sees a bird fly past the window.
He knows when I am blue. He sits on my shoulder and bows his head for cuddles and kisses. Or when I am laying on the sofa crying he walks over and sits right in front of my face. He is my little ray of sunshine :)
I have written a blog about him if you want to know more.
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OCD and Me....
I have suffered with OCD and Phobias as far back as I can remember. I think the source of them is mostly my Fathers doing. I believe I know the reasons why but never completely understood how they impacted so much on me. I have always had them under some control. These last 18 months has changed all of this.
They range from I take no notice of them I get on and deal with it. To the extreme of become another person, one I have no control or sense of being aware what I am doing. Some of them even appear in my dreams!
I can become an empty shell, child like and weak, so I’ve been told. I'm someone who wants to hide, curl up and cry until unable to cry anymore to be held, hugged and cuddled. Or I can shrug it off and think no more of it.
I’m mostly germs and contamination. I have to keep them contained or stop from spreading. I’m a big hand washer and shower when I have been outside, I feel dirty and infected by germs. I get through a great number of antibacterial sprays ~ if you keep still I will spray you too!!!!! In one weekend I used five bottles in two days. The need to spray everything twice was intensive.
I have bottles of the no water hands wash everywhere just in case I need it. They can be a life saver and stop me having major panic attacks.
What are my triggers? Three mains:-
~ outside world coming into my clean safe home
~ food hygiene
~ toilets and anything associated with them
There are many underlying issues but they all connect back to these three one way or another.
~ places or objects where many people touch ~ money ~ library books ~ trains or buses ~ door handles ~ loose fruit or veg ~ waiting rooms ~ shopping trolleys ~ shoes off when come in my home
Then there is the non contamination:-
~ i like my routines ~ having items in their correct place ~ I’m a what if’er ~ I don’t like things being odd or uneven ~ have to match items ~ items in multiplies of two ~ hoard / collector ~ checker ~ fear losing people I love ~ pitch black dark ~ spiral stair cases ~ to do list writer because I hate to forget ~ fear what others say ~ fear not living up to others expectations. I beat myself up over everything. I’m even doing it with my page. I worked so hard on it, and I still find spelling mistakes or grammar is wrong ARGH. Maybe the beating myself up is also part of the what if’s. I'm not sure.
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Everyone needs a place of safety, somewhere they can go and feel ok, clean and protected. Mine is my bedroom. It is outside zone free and “if your name is not on the door you are NOT coming in”. Invade my personal space and I will no longer feel protected, I’ll feel vulnerable and exposed. Invade my space and the OCD monster will get me and you. Respect my space and I’ll be Me :o))
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I have mild dyslexia and spellings are poor. So I’m paranoid and obsessed that everything I write is correct in spelling and grammar. I check and check and check to make sure it is all correct. Thank goodness for spell check. Also thank you to my Dave and my few friends who know about it and help.
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I have RSI ~ repetitive strain injury. I have had it since April 05. I have worked in an office since I was 16 and all my jobs involve typing. I WAS a very fast typist ~ I wish I took a speed test before it kicked in. I done one the other day, only got 60wpm and that was on my laptop and not computer at work. Damn I’m so good I can separate having a conversation with someone and type about something else at the same time. I could flick between screens and programs etc people watching couldn’t keep up!!!! If you wanted something done quickly I WAS your girl. Speed was one of my contributors to RSI. Now I am slow and have to take lots of breaks. I’m training on voice activate software DRAGON now. Hopefully I’ll pick up the speed again by talking to the computer!!!
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I know I am not crazy and / or wrong in the head. I want to try and get answers. Like the one question I ask myself so many times, how do I explain what I am feeling and going through when I do not understand but yet I do know what is happening to me.
I’m a very logically person but none of this makes sense to me. I cannot find a solution.
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I would like to talk to others who are going through similar things who know and understand what it is like to be this way. Or to live with someone like me. So I can help myself, my partner and others who need support.
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Thank you Tribe and my new friends ~ extended family. You are really helping me.
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Okay, that is my waffling over ....
Buried at PhotoCasket
Looking forward to getting to know you and sharing our whacky stories!!
CUOL
DevilWoman >:) aka Sharon
