please hate me

By: punk
Mood: Angry
Date: Mar 30, 2013
Music: None

every day I get up and you say "good morning" like clockwork smile and cheery eyed, you ask if vie got everything ready for school and all of my school work done I reply with a sleepy sullen depressed "yes" and walk away back into my room getting ready for another day. I think dam nit HATE ME it would be better for you and me I wish you didn’t care so I wouldn’t feel guilty when I do something that upsets you hate me because I deserve it hate me because it will be easier than your smile hate me because think of the things I did coming into your world that threw it upside down hate me so you can see whets good for you. you help me and you won’t let go because you care but stop/ I fight with myself everyday and you intervene and say "no none of that" hate me please I’d rather get up and you say nothing and not have you look at me. I carry around a shadow called depression and I want it to go away just so I can smile again.

Im begging you hate me today hate me tomorrow hate me for all the things I did not do for you hate me so you can finally see whets good for you.





April 1, 2013, 11:56 am

I like that song, man. Such a sad song, but sometimes I can't help listening to it over and over... hang in there. If you need to talk, there are lots of people here. =)


But I have promises to keep, And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep...

March 30, 2013, 11:30 pm

 listening to a lot of Blue October? Look... this business of tension between parent and teen is *normal*. It happens to almost every family. But either way, the more you talk to yourself like this the worse you'll feel. Not only that, but the more you do it the more you create pathways in the brain that strengthen. So, it gets stronger and worse... and breaking it becomes harder and harder. I am not going to address the "deserve it" bit because that is really not even rational. You'd mentioned that you were old enough to be able to deal with online influences, etc. OK. I am not debating that... but I will say that it would also indicate you are old enough to be able to reason out statements like that one. You seem like a smart cookie so, think on this... what makes you so different from everyone else on the planet? All people deserve love, respect, kindness, happiness and peace. Not all get it, but they all have a right to it and deserve it. So, if you don't... what makes you so vastly different? 

That isn't meant to be harsh either btw... I ask OCD folks that all the time. OCD makes people so trapped inside their own heads that they become very self-centric. That isn't the same as being vain. It means OCD people are vulnerable to misperceiving their real place in the world... and they begin to imagine themselves as being subject to all sorts of weird rules, etc. 

you might want to make some decisions if you want to feel better and to have a life again. You want to smile and be yourself again? Then you have to decide it is worth as much effort as writing a blog like this. So, you have to decide to work to break the habit of speaking badly to yourself - regardless of whether you believe you deserve it. If you wanted to stop smoking you wouldn't wait until you no longer had the urge to smoke, right? So, don't wait until the bad feeling goes away. Start trying to say nice things to yourself and about yourself. You won't like it at first. Do it anyway. No one else has to know but do it. Practice saying kind and soothing things to yourself. Work hard at stopping the sort of thing you say above.

No one can get out of depression while also bullying themselves inside.

There are a lot of resources out there with tips and info about helping yourself through depression. One very common, simple and accessible tip is to keep a gratitude list. At least once or twice a day, recite to yourself or write down 5 things for which you are grateful. We can be living through total hell and still have things for which to be grateful. You can read/write, you have access to a computer, you have a roof over your head.... you can walk and talk and are generally healthy. That's 5 right there. It doesn't mean to pretend you don't feel bad or have problems. It just means that ALL people have things for which to be grateful... yes, all. I know some will disagree with that but as long as a person is alive then there is more right than wrong with you.

I know what I am saying will possibly stress you. But think on it. Stop and think on it. You are made up of more than just those bad feelings and difficult thoughts... much more. When you stop and think on what I am saying, see if you can notice that somewhere inside you might have "sense" of what i am getting at... a sense that tells you that putting yourself down hurts you. it is all very confusing but there are ways to master this mess.

Just try to decide whether you are ready to let go of some of the types of ideas that are keeping you held down as a person. You are young enough to be able to see the benefit in letting go of familiar but painful behaviour in favour of healthier but "unknown" behaviour and ideas. New stuff scares people but you're smart and capable... still young enough to maybe find the idea of new things a bit more interesting than a lot of adults.

Just think on it, ok?


Never attach your happiness to anything you can lose. ~ C.S. Lewis