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downward time

By: ocd_sucks96
Mood: Anxious
Date: Feb 05, 2013
Music: None


Its about that time of the day when my ocd spikes and starts torturing me more, and its just gonna get worse as it gets later. I really have no motivation to do anything, and quite frankly im just tired and frustrated. Im rather calm at the moment, but nothing can change my head back to normal, and i drag on throgh another day. Honestly if i didnt tell you, and we hung out, you would assume i was a carefree fun person to be around most of the time, but the whole time i suffer interuptions from constant anxiety, worries, and compulsive urges. You would probably see me do a few weird things or two relating to ocd, but you would judge my personality as fun loving and with little problems or worries. I dont put on that false front for others, no, if im angry, i show it, same with any other emotion. I force it for myself, i pretend like everythings gonna be alright, knowing its really not. There are times when i truly am happy, but that is outweighed by the anxiety spiking through it. I really am suffering, and there seems to be no way out. Ive vowed to too many people i will never kill myself, so i wont, but Lord help me there is no way out at all. Im wanting to quit, just give up, hell, i cant even get myself to do any schoolwork for the program im in, just makes me even more anxious and pissed and frustrated to try. I understand the homework, im reaally smart, no trouble comprehending it, but the stress and anxiety, gaaah. My mom nagged at me today saying i have to do some today, but why waste the last hour or two i have left right now of being a little less anxious doing homework? why not try to occupy my mind and hope and pray for the best? I'm trying to change my attitude towards a lot of things, but i have to face it, im not good at sticking to anything i try to do, even small things at times, let alone these life issues i have. The saad truth is that maybe i can face it, maybe i can beat my ocd and other issues, but its very likely to never happen, knowing me, and since all odds are against me. This is how i get whe my ocds complete hell, but not super hell, i only usually have panic attacks and cry and go crazy when my ocd gets super super super bad, i guess im pretty strong in that aspect. Now i just get annoyed severely, too done with everything to even get depressed most of the time, and too done with everything to get pissed most of the time. Im like a walking slave that has accepted the reality of being a slave. when you frst become the slave, you're in denial. Then you fear there will never be any freedom, but still have hope its there. eventually, over years, your rebellious rage and anger towards it die down, as you accept the fact that you're stuck in this situation, i beilieve thats whats happening. im so fricken done with being alive right now, and im currently in a very snappy mood, like if you someone in my house simply talks to me, i may bite their head off. I honestly have no idea how getting out of this is even slightly possible. i literally dont remember how to feel certain things, as i accidently slowly trained my brain to feel the strongest need to compulse and/or fear simple things. Its like i obsess about 95% of the thoughts that enter my head, and at anything that happens in my life, i mean anything, like taking a step off the couch wrong, looking at something wrong, any little thing. I feel literaally NO comfort almost all the time, and it scares me, but the thing is, im being strong and standing up to the fear now, and part of me wishes i wasnt. I kind of wish i would just cower from it, give in to all obsessions and compulsions, and just be scared all the time. at least after i do the compulsions, i have a few seconds before the next thought, but thre is relief. But on the same not, fighting it basically is about the same thing, so i guess i have to. I hate my life so much. I tried doing the grateful thing, and i am thankful for things, but recognizing that doesnt make me feel better or help at all. i guess im slightly ignorant and take things for granted, but its just who i am, i cant make myself get motivated by things that dont motivate me, and nothing motivates me. I can literally shoot down any reason to keep going you give me with one thing or another within a few seconds if i wanted to, but i try to ignore those thoughts, and just keep believing. Im sick of believing, and i just want it to stop



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VIEWING 1 - 13 OUT OF 13 COMMENTS

February 6, 2013, 7:37 pm
This blog is exactly how I feel, I would love to talk to you.

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'Life is an endless shipwreck, but we must always remember to sing in the lifeboats.'
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February 6, 2013, 4:18 pm

Thanks, i'm feeling better at the moment, but it always gets worse for me as i get more tired and the day gets later, but i know you all are right. I have to keep fighting, even if i dont always know how, even if i slip up, and even if i dont know if im even copiing properly, i know that my will wont quit on me, no matter how much i want it to at times. I am blessed for the things i do have, but theyre so hard to pay mind to when you're stuck in the rut of obsessions and compulsions that is ocd.



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Just another day in hell...
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From: Courage
February 6, 2013, 1:37 pm

 You have your reasons to not quit!  You can.... but you choose not to. God doesnt give you this. You do it.


 



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courage is not the absence of fear, its what you do inspite of fear
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From: deecee
February 6, 2013, 7:19 am

 I have a dangerous time of day too...late at night/early morning if nobody else is up...those thoughts run rampant.  TRY, TRY not to take them too seriously. I know that sounds like a very minor thing to say to you right now, but you are really young to talk about things like they are over.  I wish i could remember more detail, but I read an article in the paper about an "End of history" theory. It was to the effect that at almost any time in our lives we think we will be this way forever. We will like the same things, hate the same things...feel the same things, but that in reality we are fluid, evolving and our thinking could be very different later. The end is not written yet. I know it is tiring and giving up can sound good, but i can also tell that you are a fighter. It makes me worry about you less. 


 



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“Freedom is the right of all sentient beings.” Optimus Prime
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February 5, 2013, 7:48 pm

It can take alot for an attack like that to go away, but it WILL get better... last time I had a HUGE Explosion of OCD- I had to cry it out just to get all the hurting the OCD was causing released.... when it's finally all the way gone and through- it's alot calmer...at least in my experience...



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'Do what you can today, there are only so many tomorrows' Michael Landon
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February 5, 2013, 6:52 pm

Oh sorry I thought you were basically saying that you wouldn't care if you went to... you know. :/ Believe me, I get days where I get extreme doubts too but it's just a demon sent by the devil to test your faith. Believe it or not, it's actually a good thing you're being attacked so hard b/c it means that you have a very strong faith & God, so you're one of the devils main targets! Just keep fighting! After a while, it gets easier & easier!



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Gabe Carrier pass/spam it on!
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February 5, 2013, 6:51 pm

trust me, as much as satan would like me to worship him, thatd be a cold day in hell. My point is, even though im doubting god and somewhat holding him responsible for my suffering, i hate satan even more and despise him with all my heart.



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Just another day in hell...
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February 5, 2013, 6:48 pm

not really, i still hate the devil with all my soul, and if god is real, i loe him, im just severely doubtful. All i meant was i dare the devil to try his luck on me, like he wont be able to consume me is my point, even if he tortures me forever



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Just another day in hell...
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February 5, 2013, 6:43 pm

Oh, btw, I think you REALLY need to use this phone #: 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)



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Gabe Carrier pass/spam it on!
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February 5, 2013, 6:41 pm

Read the Bible out loud or scream Jesus' name out loud NOW. You're getting a very strong demon attack & you're 99% likely to be thinking "what an idiot" right now. Wanna know HOW I know? Because the demon's trying to block as much Christian thoughts out of your head AS POSSIBLE!! FIGHT THE DEMON!!!! JESUS RULES!!!



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Gabe Carrier pass/spam it on!
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February 5, 2013, 6:21 pm

And if im not used to the suffering of hell, im dam sure ill get used to it, because just like i wsnt ready for this, once i realized theres no way out, i didnt aadapt, i just endured, i got used to the constant stress, fear, pain, and everything else it brings. Thats what i do, i dont adapt, i hold out, so if i go  to hell, i tell the devil goodluck motherf*cker because you can torture me all you want, you can even break me, but ill still last the entire time. i may not be the master of my ocd, but im the master at having a strong will for some random reason, and i hate that fact about me, i have so much dam will to go on for no reason, i wish i was a weaker person so i couldve killed myself by now



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Just another day in hell...
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February 5, 2013, 6:13 pm

Yea, then i guess one of the demons took me znd made me its slave, cuz as much as i believed in god, ivve already lost belief, and im trying to regain it. My point is hell cant be worse than ocd, so even if im going there, it doesnt matter, im used to suffering  constantly, doing it for eternity would just remind me how god hates me even more than i thought



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Just another day in hell...
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February 5, 2013, 6:09 pm

NEVER stop believing in God!! If you do, you're letting one of the devil's demons win!! D: There's over 10 BILLION demons roaming on Earth right now trying to destroy Christianity & we can't let them win!



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Gabe Carrier pass/spam it on!
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