Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

anxious and confused

By: ocd_sucks96 Mood: Anxious Date: Feb 05, 2013 Music: None

I feel like my journey back to myself has gotten a lot considering how bad it was, but the truth is my ocd is still too severe. Its at a point where i can deal with it, but im miserable. I hate this so much. every time i think of a good memory or something that makes me happy, especially when im anxious, i worry something bads gonna happen to them, and automatically imagine them with this kinda aura or energy around them, and somehow that thought proves to me that thought or person or whatever is tainted and ruined forever. I start pannicking, and its like, im supposed to let it all go, i feel like i need to protect these things from getting ruined, i dont wanna lose them, ruin them, or have anything bad happen to them. mY ocd needs me to do these mental rituals to make me feel like its "fixed". that just means that i basically got it to a point where i imagined a good aura thing around them by means of imagining this thing a certain way, or got it to disappear. Sometimes when i say im not gonna fix it, my mind automatically tries to imagine that everything gets tainted, whih ironically also is a backup compulsion, because i feel i cant leave one thing tainted, and if i cant fix it at least i can make everything else ruined as well. Its torturing me, day in and day out. I really dont think im gonna be okay, and quite frankly dont wanna know how this plays out in the end. I can come up with a thousad words to describe how i feel about this situation, but no of them involve anything related to happiness or comfort. I hate living in fear, and i know the only way out is to grow a pair and dive head first nto my fear. I'm having trouble doing it, and my mind never stops, i cant keep up with it, everytime i try to let the thoughts st there, eventually they overrun me and i slowly without realizing it sometimes start going back to compulsing and my ocd state of mind.Hell, i havent even been able to see a part of my mind thats not an ocd state, i shouldve said it slips from being convident and letting the anxiety sit there with lots of ocd to just being its slave again. Im tired of being scared, im tired of fearing that i can lose everything, despite the fact m looking right at it sometimes. if someone or something gets tainted, its kinda like this, if i dont do the rituals, itd be like someone who has ocd checking a door, they can look at the lock, see its locked, but they still panic like what if its not locked, it doesnt feel locked, i dont think its locked. thats how it is leaving something tainted. everytime i think that thought or see that person or thing, its like theyre tainted, you need to fix them. if you dont theyre ruined forever, and i get that feeling that even though i see theyre just fine, somehow theyre not fine, and this whole thought of being "tainted" proves that. Its such a vicious cycle, and i cant break the dam thing. if i occupy myself, it only ends up making me more anxious, partly because i fear the thing will get tainted constantly, but i figured out the biggest reason, is i have a fear of like, my mind getting lost in a game or something, or tainted by it, so the longer i play it, and the more into it i get, the more anxious i get. but if i do nothing, my mind just doesnt stop going. I know that people consider me brave and strong for dealing with this, but i dont think im brave, or strong, i feel weak and scared. I honestly dont cre whose fault it is anymore, whether i caused it, god caused it, or it happened by chance, i just know i have to fight it, but jesus christ fighting it hurts you more than it. every time you let it sit there and fight a thought, its like you feel double the pain ricocheted back at you. Im aware you probably know all these facts, but im just writing this to let people know how im doing i guess.