OCD , Procrastination & guilt
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By:
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cari
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Mood:
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Frustrated
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Date:
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Dec 17, 2007
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Music:
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None
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hey
all.
haven't
been
on
here
in
a
while
and
still
haven't
read
or
responded
to
all
my
messages.
normally
that
would
drive
me
up
the
wall.
it
does
bother
me
much
now
b/c
more
pressing
issues
at
hand
have
allowed
me
to
not
obsess
on
that
atm.
i
guess
i
know
i
can
and
will
go
back
and
read
them. right
now
though
i'm
writing
to
hopefully
pour
this
out
of
my
mind
so
i
can
rest
for
the
hour
and
half
i
have
left. i
am
frustrated.
and
exhausted.
and
disheartened.
i
feel
very
much
that
once
again
i
cannot
do
this
school
thing.
i
think
i
overshot
my
abilities.
shot
for
the
stars.
what
was
i
thinking?
so
my
ocd
is
pressing
it's
huge
thumb
down
on
me.
holding
me
down
to
the
earth.
don't
want
to
write
all
of
this,
but
since
i
can't
sleep
anyhow
i
might
as
well.
i
have
a
job
shadow
set
up
tomorrow
for
a
local
hospital.
i
was
hoping
to
become
a
nurse
and
wanted
to
check
it
out
and
make
sure
it's
really
what
i
want
to
do
and
i
will
be
able
to.
i
really
just
want
to
see
what
a
typical
day
is
like,
what
skills
are
needed
and
especially
how
fast
you
have
to
be
able
to
work
(speed
is
my
biggest
challenge
-
have
fought
my
whole
life
against
the
clock
due
to
my
ocd).
so
i
have
a
job
shadow
set
up
for
the
"mom
and
infant"
unit.
normally
i'd
be
estatic
about
this
-
very
excited.
but
here
is
the
problem:
i
was
supposed
to
write
up
a
resume
for
the
job
shadow.
so
they
could
look
at
it,
have
my
info.
and
have
things
to
talk
about
with
me
while
we
spend
our
time
together.
i
have
failed
at
this.
i
knew
i
had
to
do
it
2
weeks
ago
when
i
went
to
set
up
the
shadow.
final
weeks
of
school
had
me
busy
and
thought
i'd
worry
about
it
when
i
got
out.
finished
last
wednesday,
but
still
procrastinated
on
this. that
is
because
i
hate
forms.
they
terrify
me.
sounds
silly
i
know
but
anything
with
a
form
is
official
and
important
and
i
hate
filling
them
out
for
fear
of
making
mistakes.
add
that
to
the
fact
that
i
don't
have
much
self
confidence
and
hate
talking
about
myself
and
you
might
understand
my
absolute
DREAD
of
writing
a
resume!!! i
procrastinated
way
to
long
and
tried
to
write
it
tonight
(day
before
the
shadow).
i
knew
this
was
stupid
but
did
it
anyway.
so
i've
been
working
on
it
for
hours,
been
at
an
impass
for
some
time.
went
to
sleep
and
woke
up
to
work
on
it
some
more.
then
i
had
the
inevitable
computer
probolem.
textbook
reason
why
you
should
NOT
procrastinate
until
the
day
before
something
is
due.
to
make
a
long
story
short
i'm
basically
up
sh*t
creek
w/o
a
paddle.
and
now
i
can't
sleep
either
because
of
my
regret
and
mostly
anxiety.
thankfully
i
don't
feel
suicidal
(like
i
did
last
summer
before
i
was
on
meds).
but
i
do
feel
like
dropping
out
of
school
and
becoming
a
stripper
to
pay
off
my
massive
school
debt.
(can't
get
my
emoticons
to
work
at
the
moment,
but
please
picture
me
depressed
and
desperate.) i
feel
so
hopeless
because
my
ocd
has
always
stood
in
the
way
of
success
in
my
life.
and
it
seems
it
always
will.
i
tried
to
rise
above
it
and
go
to
school
but
in
the
end
i
just
ended
up
with
a
few
more
classes
out
of
the
way
and
$20,000
in
debt.
and
not
a
career
to
pay
it
off.
i
don't
know
what
to
do.
keep
going
and
adding
up
debt?
i'm
going
to
try
to
get
a
job
(regular
one)
to
help
pay
as
i
go.
but
will
i
be
able
to
do
that
with
my
ocd?
i
wasn't
in
the
past. i
get
straight
A's
normally.
i
have
a
3.8
GPA
currently.
quality
is
not
the
problem
-
it's
always
quantity.
growing
up
teachers
knew
i
was
a
hard
worker
trying
to
do
my
best...they
knew
i
wasn't
dumb,
so
they
gave
me
extensions
on
assignments.
that
is
how
i
got
through
school
-
gracious
teachers.
now
i
usually
squeek
by
via
extra
credit
and
a
prayer.
in
the
work
world
though
it
doesn't
work
like
that.
which
is
why
i
could
rarely
excell
at
jobs.
not
because
i
didn't
work
my
heart
out
but
because
i
am
not
normal
and
could
not
keep
up
with
everyone
else.
i
was
always
slower
at
performance
and
thus
my
raises/reviews
suffered.
my
work
was
always
of
EXTREMELY
high
quality,
but
that
doesn't
matter
if
you
don't
have
the
output
they
request/require.
i
hate
that
i
am
this
way,
but
can't
seem
to
change.
someone
said
to
me
earlier,
is
this
what
you
want?
meaning
the
job
shadow.
i
said
yes,
and
they
said,
well
just
make
yourself
do
it
then.
i
tried,
but
i
couldn't.
i
did
make
some
progress.
after
hours
i
had
about
1/3
of
the
resume
typed,
but
then
i
had
the
computer
problem
and
it's
all
at
a
loss.
so
the
procrastination
screwed
me
in
the
end. it's
all
my
fault,
i
know.
i
know
it
isn't
wise
to
procrastinate.
i've
been
told
not
to
my
whole
life,
but
i
still
do
it.
out
of
dread
and
fear.
2
things
that
rule
much
of
my
life,
and
thus
actions. so
here
i
am
writing
on
here
b/c
i
know
you
all
can
understand.
i'm
thankful
for
that
at
least
b/c
i
need
that
right
now.
when
people
say,
"just
do
it"...i
wish
i
could.
i
would
if
i
could.
wouldn't
we
all?
do
people
think
we
want
to
be
this
way.
so
sad,
but
true
that
some
do.
i
think
my
ex-boyfriend
did.
and
i
have
talked
to
people
recently
that
seem
to
believe
that
too.
this
guy
i
was
talking
to
online
didn't
know
i
had
ocd
and
made
off-hand
comments
about
it.
he
made
light
of
it.
then
i
told
him
that
i
had
it.
he
felt
like
a
bit
of
an
ass...but
then
proceded
to
ask
me
about
it.
he
asked
me
if
i
chose
my
obsessions
or
if
it
was
just
something
that
happened
to
me.
needless
to
say
i
was
a
bit
put
off
and
upset
about
the
whole
encounter.
no
i
don't
choose
them.
why
would
anyone
CHOOSE
to
go
through
this?!?!?
i
was
polite
to
him
of
course
but
i
get
so
tired
of
people's
ignorance,
rudeness,
lack
of
compassion.
they
laugh
and
make
light
of
our
pain
because
they
don't
understand.
they
think
it's
cute,
or
fake
or
this
or
that.
they
don't
get
it.
i
can't
even
imagine
what
my
life
would
be
like
without
ocd.
i
really
think
it
would
be
amazing
and
wonderful.
nothing
would
be
able
to
stop
me.
minus
my
ocd
i
think
i
have
a
lot
going
for
me.
i
don't
think
i'm
dumb,
or
too
boring.
i
think
i
can
be
witty,
smart,
exciting,
interesting,
sexy,
fun,
a
good
friend
and
lover.
i
have
a
lot
to
give
to
the
world.
i
am
a
hard
worker
and
honest.
i
try
my
best
at
everything.
i
think
i
have
a
pretty
good
sense
of
humor,
a
compassionate
heart,
and
can
keep
a
conversation
and
not
just
talk
about
superficial
things.
so
those
are
some
good
things
about
me.
but
the
ocd
often
overshadows
the
good.
it's
like
a
dark
rain
cloud
following
me
around...over
my
head.
and
it
keeps
me
down.
oppresses
me.
it
taints
most
of
my
life. and
thus
here
i
am.
i
tried
to
be
normal.
i
tried
to
live
a
normal
life
and
succeed.
i
tried
to
go
to
school
and
do
things
that
people
w/o
this
can
do
and
now
i
don't
know
why.
maybe
i
can't
do
it
afterall.
maybe
i
can't
have
a
conventional
successful
life.
maybe
i
should
have
been
satisfied
with
where
i
was.
but
no,
i
had
to
try
to
learn
to
fly
by
flapping
my
arms.
imagine
me
standing
at
the
edge
of
a
cliff
and
jumping
off
hoping
that
if
i
flap
my
arms
hard
enough
they'll
turn
into
wings
and
i'll
soar
over
the
canyon
instead
of
falling
to
it's
belly.
well
now
i
see
that
my
arms
aren't
actually
transforming
miraculously...i'm
realizing
that
i
cannot
transform
into
a
bird.
i
am
the
same
flawed,
broken?
human
girl
i've
always
been
and
i'm
about
to
fall. what
do
i
do?
i
was
an
idiot
to
hope
for
more.
sheer
willpower
and
40
mg
of
Celexa
cannot
make
me
a
normal
functioning
person
afterall.
please
excuse
everything
i've
misspelled
in
here.
i
tried
doing
a
spelling
check
via
cut
and
pasting
this
into
a
word
document
but
it
was
taking
forever
b/c
i
didn't
use
proper
capitalization.
thus
virtually
everything
is
wrong
in
this
document.
sorry.
i
hope
you
can
make
sense
of
it
anyhow.
i
guess
that's
me
being
really
transparent
with
you
all.
you
get
to
see
my
spelling
and
grammer
mistakes.
normally
i
do
everything
i
can
to
hide
those
short-comings.
but
here
they
are
all
out
there...ugly...like
some
creatures
from
Lord
of
the
Rings,
or
maybe
the
demons
from
Constatine
(just
saw
that
movie
today
-
very
weird,
but
captivating
-
didn't
tie
up
like
i'd
hoped
however).
anyway,
this
feels
so
ugly
b/c
i
know
it's
full
of
mistakes
but
i'm
going
to
try
to
send
it
anyhow.
i
feel
like
such
a
mess
right
now
anyway,
so
this
is
just
me
being
fully
genuine
-
that's
how
i
can
justify
it
for
my
ocd.
perfectionism
and
my
need
to
be
genuine
are
clearly
at
the
heart
of
all
i
do.
i
feel
compelled
to
be
as
honest
as
possible
with
everyone
and
pour
out
my
innards...yet
sometimes
conflicting
obsessions/compulsions
revolve
around
perfectionism,
order,
etc.
so
the
only
way
i
can
justify
sending
this
out
without
correct
spelling
and
grammar
is
to
convince
myself
that
it's
okay
b/c
it
means
i'm
being
more
honest
with
the
world
and
showing
you
all
my
faults.
this
sounds
crazy
as
i'm
writing
it
out,
but
this
is
how
i
live
my
life.
with
these
two
conflicting
dogs
fighting
with
eachother
and
nipping
at
my
heals.
no
wonder
i
am
so
stressed
out
all
the
time. my
friends
and
family
say
i'm
complicated.
they
are
right
for
sure! well
i'm
going
to
try
to
send
this
now.
the
thought
of
it
is
really
bugging
me,
so
i'm
still
trying
to
convince
myself
that
it's
in
my
and
the
world's
best
interest
not
to
do
the
spellcheck. have
to
get
up
in
40
minutes
now,
so
guess
i'll
try
to
get
some
sleep. goodnight
friends.
here
goes
nothing!
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