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None
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By:
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ocd_sucks96
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Mood:
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Fearful
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Date:
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Jan 29, 2013
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Music:
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None
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Im
afraid.
And
the
truth
is,
it
doesnt
matter
how
heartfelt
the
letter,
how
hard
i
try,
how
many
people
are
there
for
me,
or
how
much
people
care
about
me,
because
nothing
can
get
rid
of
it.
Im
very
scared,
and
all
i
wanna
do
is
cry.
I
cant
even
make
myself
cry,
it
only
happens
when
it
wants
to.
kinda
like
me
doign
what
i
want,
it
only
happens
when
my
ocd
lets
me.
I
can
lie
to
myself
all
i
want
(actually
i
cant
cuz
of
ocd),
but
the
truth
is
it
has
control
of
me,
andn
o
matter
how
harwd
i
believe
i
can
gain
control
back,
i
cant.
Im
trying
really
hard
to
believe
that
it
will,
but
im
afraid.
The
day
i
lost
my
life,
when
it
all
spiked
and
strted
slowly
going
downhill,
i
wish
i
could
go
back
to
it,
and
fight
it
there.
I
was
too
scared
to
fight
it
when
it
was
weaker,
now
i
dont
even
have
a
.00001%
chance
to
do
anything
against
it.
Im
not
exxagerating,
my
mind
constantly
responds
to
literally
every
thought.
its
like
it
goes
through
an
ocd
filter,
and
99%
of
it
doesnt
pass.
thats
right,
99%<
almost
all
my
thoughts
i
worry
about.
Think
something
wrong,
well
what
if
this
or
that
happens?
the
truth
is,
i
have
so
many
rituals
and
bad
thoughts
itd
be
impossible
to
keep
track
even
if
i
made
a
detailed
list.
Im
really
scared
of
them,
and
theres
so
many,
all
the
time.
I'm
afraid
to
do
anything
right
now,
im
lying
in
bed
because
im
scared
to
get
up
to
do
anything.
I'm
tired
of
saying
i
wanna
die,
it
just
goes
without
saying
now.
No
matter
how
much
i
push
on
my
ocd,
it
pushes
back
1000
times
harder.
I
can
make
up
whatever
metaphors
for
it
i
want,
call
it
anything
i
want,
make
myself
think
for
a
few
minutes
i
can
do
this,
but
theres
no
avoiding
the
inevitable,
ive
already
lost
the
battle,
and
everytime
i
try
to
rise
up,
it
spits
in
my
face,
and
thats
enough
to
knock
me
down
again.
Im
so
afraid,
and
i
cant
train
myself
to
let
it
sit
there,
i
cant,
theres
too
many
thoughts.
i
never
even
knew
what
i
wanted
to
do
with
my
life,
figured
id
figure
it
out
right
about
now,
at
this
age.
And
at
this
age,
im
thinking
my
lifes
over.
All
i
ever
wanted
in
life
was
to
have
a
good
family,
and
a
home,
i
got
that,
but
not
even
i
could
have
predicted
that
this
would
happen.
How
could
i
have
known
when
i
was
12
that
it
would
get
this
bad?
i
didnt
know
what
i
was
messing
with,
but
now
looking
back
on
it,
the
devil
picked
a
fight
with
me,
and
i
guess
i
was
too
selfish
to
win.
I
never
thought
i
was
that
bad
of
a
person.
I
did
something
really
bad
when
i
was
like
7
or
8,
and
i
worried
about
it
even
then,
like
what
if
i
dont
get
forgiven
for
this,
but
it
wasnt
like
i
killed
someone
or
anything,
i
guess
it
might
be
for
that.
I
dont
know
what
i
did,
but
i
mustve
done
something
wrong.
I
apologized
to
God
for
calling
hm
a
liar
and
everything
i
called
him,
and
i
said
i
was
sorry
for
what
i
did
wrong,
but
i
dont
think
hes
listening.
I
have
people
who
care
about
me,
bt
the
truth
is,
no
one
can
help
me,
not
even
myself.
I
WAS
the
only
one
with
a
chance
to
fight
it,
no
no
one
has
a
chance.
And
i
think
it
mightve
been
selfish
to
not
try
to
fight
my
ocd
sooner,
and
im
sorry
to
everyone,
including
myself,
and
now
look
at
me.
Im
too
scared
to
do
anything,
praying
for
death
daily.
i
really
do
feel
bad
for
the
wrongs
ive
done,
and
at
the
time
i
told
myself
it
wasnt
that
big
of
deal,
that
those
sins
wouldnt
mean
anything,
and
i
really
didnt
think
they
would,
they
were
minor
things,
but
they
mustve,
i
feel
like
i
brought
this
on
myself
unknowingly.
Now
its
too
late,
and
im
sitting
here
too
scared
to
move
typing
this
with
tears
running
fown
my
face.
I
may
say
im
fine,
but
the
truth
is,
im
never
fine.
I'm
so
scared,
so
afraid,
and
it
wont
go
away.
Ive
never
been
good
at
facing
my
fears,
and
maybe
im
just
too
much
of
a
wimp
to
do
anythhing.
Maybe
thats
it,
it
seems
like
everyone
here
is
strong
enough
to
do
something
to
their
ocd,
but
im
not.
Im
just
a
weakling
who
deserves
to
suffer
forever
apparently.
I
just
wanna
sleep
all
day,
but
i
cant
even
do
that,
because
when
i
wake
up
i
become
anxious
for
some
reason
or
another
just
laying
in
bed,
and
literally
everything
makes
me
anxious,
everything
triggers
it,
i
mean
that
literally,
not
one
thing
doesnt
trigger
anxiety,
there
is
NO
way
to
distract
myself,
and
im
sorry
to
myself
for
giving
into
it
so
much.
It
seems
like
theres
no
end
to
it,
and
theres
nothing
that
can
help
at
all.
My
meds
arent
working
yet,
if
they
will
at
all,
nothing
anyone
can
say
helps
it,
nothing
i
can
do
helps
it,
nothing
at
all.
I
desperately
want
something
to
bring
me
comfort,
but
theres
none
to
be
found,
anywhere.
Im
scared
of
everything,
and
it
seems
itll
always
be
that
way.
I
would
say
i
cant
go
on
living
like
this,
but
im
not
even
living
at
this
point,
this
isnt
life,
this
is
hell,
in
its
finest.
I
havent
felt
comfortable
doing
anything
for
years,
and
i
hate
it,
i
hate
being
scared
of
everything,
but
i
just
am.
Ive
tried
taking
suggestions,
im
trying
to
practice
fighting
it,
and
im
trying
to
practice
hyperfocusing
on
things,
but
none
of
it
works
for
me,
none.
I'm
even
more
scared
that
im
untreatable,
and
if
im
untreatable,
does
that
mean
i
need
brain
surgery
just
to
ease
it?
I
dont
want
to
have
to
get
brain
surgery,
but
my
brain
is
a
piece
of
sh*t
anyway.
I
wish
i
wasnt
born,
i
really
mean
it.
It
wouldve
saved
me
the
trouble.
I
love
my
family,
but
i
really
wish
they
hadnt
brought
me
into
this
world.
And
the
truth
is,
no
matter
how
much
i
explain
my
ocd
to
people,
no
matter
how
much
i
cry
out
for
help,
i
still
dont
get
any.
How
can
one
person
be
expected
to
take
this
on
alone?
and
yes,
despite
the
fact
i
have
people
here
for
me,
i
have
to
do
it
alone,
because
ocd
is
IN
my
head.
No
one
can
do
it
for
me,
and
i
wish
someone
could
come
in
my
head
to
help.
But
at
the
end
of
the
day,
its
always
just
me
and
it,
always.
I
dont
have
any
routines
or
anything
in
life,
cuz
theyve
all
been
ruined.
I
dont
even
go
to
school
anymore,
and
im
not
getting
the
work
done
for
the
program
im
in
not
because
i
dont
get
it,
because
im
too
scared
to
do
it.
I
dont
have
that
sense
of
security
at
the
back
of
my
mind
for
any
factor
of
my
life,
because
my
ocd
literally
does
not
just
rule
one
particular
kind
of
thing
in
my
head,
like
worrying
just
about
one
type
of
thing
generally,
literally
its
everything.
My
whole
head
is
filled
with
ocd.
All
of
it,
i
dont
feel
safe
ever,
im
scared
of
this
thing
in
my
head,
and
i
hate
breathing.
I
wish
it
would
just
stop.
I
guess
thats
it,
i
dont
have
anything
else
to
say
right
now
cuz
my
head
is
pounding
because
i
got
a
headache
somehow
from
crying
for
an
hour.
I
would
say
any
words
of
hope
you
could
offer
would
be
help,
but
the
truth
is
they
wont,
but
i
would
still
appreciate
it
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