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Murphy

By: Lostinyoureyes
Mood: Frustrated
Date: Dec 06, 2012
Music: Hurt- Johnny Cash and anything else on 98.7 LA's rock alternative


So, I have tried to write this blog about four times now, and it is frustrating me to the point where I don't even want to try to compose a thought anymore. Internet keepseffing with me. I wanted to have something good to say, or at least to write it in a way that mattered because lately, I haven't really felt like reaching out with anyone. And that bothers me that I can't even bring up the nerve to blog on a website that actually is supportive.

 

I have been bittersweet lately, and I often am. Everything that surrounds me- practically existence itself- triggers intrusive thoughts that can be severe at best. I feel evil, and if I could explain this in a way that makes sense, I would. I have this pain in my chest that makes me feel sick. It's like an anxiety that makes it impossible to move forward, but at the same time prevents deterioration. Like being static when everyone else is in motion, and all I do is admire the melancholy.

 

And to make things worse, this has been a very stressful year for me. Not only have many bad things happened, but also, I keep obssessing over them. It really urks me, especially because most things that have happened, I had no control over. In fact, I was the victim, and yet so many authority figures try to poke their noses in my business; try to hold me accountable, try to demean me, and sit up on their pedestals like g_d itself should be worshipping them.

 

Because a frail, little twenty-four year old girl can prevent her car from being rear ended, can prevent the economy from falling apart, can predict that someone is going to steal her computer, wallet, social security number, and license, can fix her parents problems, can avoid an unavoidable 55 gallon drum/hit and run on the freeway, can fix all the government's mistakes and pay for them, can save herself from losing her baby because her doctor doesn't want to do the stupid test to prove thatshe has medical issues, can prevent her foot from getting broken, can prevent parking violations received from a county that she's never parked in, and can prevent anything from dying because she has the power to overcome all. Right. That's me. I have the capabilities to do all of that, mr. cop, mr. doctor, mr. government.

 

I really admire those out there that are consumed by a much darker hell than mine. I would never make it out alive. Thinking of changing my name to Murphy. Think it would be fitting. :)

 

And just so everyone knows, I don't want sympathy. Just reaching out to people because if I don't, I think I will explode today.

 



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VIEWING 1 - 3 OUT OF 3 COMMENTS

December 7, 2012, 12:05 pm

I love this post. I used to describe that feeling of being immoble but preserved as being stuck in the "grey nothingness." I mean, that is what it feels like to me, at least.


I always feel like I have to reach out, I think I'm a little obsessed with it!


Also, love Johnny Cash's version of Hurt. Actually, I adore it.



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From: suits22
December 6, 2012, 10:37 pm

 


Don't you hate that feeling of wanting to say or write something but can't get the nerve to. Not sure if that is what you are talking about but is one I have a hard time doing. Intrusive thoughts and worries become overwhelming of what others might think, say, or if they even care. I never am able to think of the positive outcomes and talk openly to others because of worries. However, this site and the people here have helped me work to over come that. I am sorry to here of the bad times over the year but glad that you blogged about them. I hope that voicing your frustrations through this blog  helped open the door to positive steps forward. What helps me through these times is being active in some way. I also have learned to some goal to achieve each day so I feel a sense of accomplishments so I can see positive things. Hope this helped in some way. Remember you are not alone. We are all here to help.



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December 6, 2012, 2:04 pm

Thanks so much for this blog... It reminds me of when I was struggling to make sense of the intrusive thoughts that would plague me daily... Somehow through determination and desperation I refused my stubborness and did what my psychiatrist asked... I finally went to therapy although I thought nothing could help me... I did what my therapist asked... I found a support group...sure it's only 3 people including me but it's amazing!


It is possible to move ahead... to make progress... I don't know how or why but intrusive/obsessive thoughts no longer haunt me every day... I read my OCD workbook and go to the group meetings and see the one member who is fully functional and that is what I want... It's so nice to know that it is possible to progress and be happier.


I wish you the best and just want you to know you will get better and there is relief ahead:)


 



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