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I hate me

By: need2behappi
Mood: Angry
Date: Jan 31, 2013
Music: None


I hate everything about me...I hate my brain and how I think, the mood swings...feeling like I can't take the grief and sorrow anymore. At best I have days where I can feel numb and maybe even a brief glimpse of joy but it doesn't last and it's hard to come by.

I hate being depressed, I hate not being able to work because I have seizures and I feel crippled by my depression and anxiety. I hate this mundane existence I live...I went to the movies not too long ago with my boys and it made me happy to get out but my husband put me on a guilt trip because he had to take the girls to Chuck E Cheese. It's only the 2nd time I've gotten to take the boys to the movies. I deserve to get out. I cannot drive and I hate it. I feel useless and helpless. Meds aren't helping, doctors aren't helping, my husband says he gets angry just looking at me that's how he feels about me. If it weren't for my beautiful children I couldn't keep doing this....I just want my beautiful Devon back and it is killing me, literally killing me...a slow painful death...I hate this...if you think your life is so bad well try to walk into my shoes. I know others have it worse than me too and I try to remind myself of that but right now all I can feel is ANGER....



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VIEWING 1 - 6 OUT OF 6 COMMENTS

From: jemily
February 1, 2013, 8:31 am

You know there is another mother out there who knows exactly what you are going thru. I heard this song not too long ago and immediately thought of you. It is written by someone who has a friend whose 5 year old daughter died by accident in the river. It is a heartbreaking song that was written 5 years after her death. The mother's pain and guilt is still so raw and fresh. It is a long process to overcome such grief. If only your husband was a kinder man. I wonder if you've tried marriage counseling and if that would help.



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The smallest step in the right direction can end up being the biggest step of your life, tip toe if you must but take the step.
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January 31, 2013, 10:01 pm

I am  not bi-polar but I have borderline personality disorder and PTSD...the grief causes different emotions in me....sadness, anger, guilt...Factor into it a marriage that is not working and it creates a lot of different moods...I am already on meds and I have been in therapy for over three years. I have tried everything I can possibly do to get through this. For awhile I was volunteering until I developed joint swelling in my hands and bouts of exhaustion. I just try to live moment by moment and I am grateful for the few breaks I get where I feel somewhat okay.



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There is more to me than OCD
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From: jemily
January 31, 2013, 6:43 pm

I'm sorry. Truly sorry for the pain you are in. I wish I had a magic wand and could bring Devon back to you. I can only imagine how painful getting through each day is for you. I wish I could help you find an inner strength that you can draw on to keep going.  All I can think to say is to do it for Devon. She doesn't want you to suffer so. She would want you go on and live your life and try to find some peace for yourself and your other children. And then one day when you are finally reunited you can tell her all about the things you did while you were apart.

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The smallest step in the right direction can end up being the biggest step of your life, tip toe if you must but take the step.
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January 31, 2013, 6:01 pm

Are you sure you are not becoming bi polar in addition to the OCD? 



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It is possible to learn to live successfully with ocd
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January 31, 2013, 5:26 pm

Take a walk!! Do something different! Oh, also, if you divorced, would you still be able to keep the children?



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Gabe Carrier pass/spam it on!
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January 31, 2013, 5:00 pm
I hate myself too. I constantly put myself down and I also don't have s drivers license. My 18 year old brother just got his license and I feel like such a loser. I don't know what to say since I never had kids but live for them. Maybe seek therapy or medicine for help if u haven't already

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