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Defeated
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By:
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weasel232k
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Mood:
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Frustrated
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Date:
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Nov 27, 2011
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Music:
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None
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I
feel
so
defeated
right
now.
I
cut
my
zoloft
in
half
because
it
was
inhibiting
my
sex
drive
and
frustrating
me
and
my
new
boyfriend,
but
the
symptoms
after
8
weeks
got
to
be
too
much,
so
I
went
back
up
to
a
whole
tablet.
I've
got
a
god
psychiatrist,
and
I'm
gonna
be
ok,
but
now
it's
gonna
take
another
8
weeks
for
my
blood
level
to
get
back
up,
meanwhile,
my
symptoms
are
getting
worse. My
intrusive
images
are
getting
bad
again-
i
haven't
had
this
much
of
a
problem
with
it
since
I
first
was
finding
a
good
meds
setup.
Today,
I
saw
a
small
spider
in
my
shower,
killed
it,
and
washed
it
down
the
drain
(I
hate
spiders)
because
there
was
no
one
else
in
the
house
to
take
care
of
it.
While
I
was
showering,
I
was
grabbed
by
the
intrusive
image
of
a
giant,
meter-long
hairy
spider
leg
poking
out
of
the
drain,
and
it
took
everything
I
had
not
to
scream. I'm
so
unbelievably
frustrated.
They
strike
so
hard
and
so
terrifyingly,
and
I
can't
react,
can't
do
anything
but
try
to
hold
still
and
keep
quiet.
My
boyfriend
and
some
close
friends
know,
but
still,
I
can't
react
when
I
see
things.
It's
so
frustrating
and
frightening.
Think
back
to
the
last
horror
movie
you
watched.
And
when
you
went
to
bed
that
night,
and
had
that
uneasy
feeling,
what
did
you
do
to
calm
yourself
down?
Probably
say,
it's
made
up,
that
can't
happen
to
me. But
it
can
happen
to
me.
Anything
can
happen
to
me.
When
you're
living
at
the
crossroads
of
reality
and
fantasy
there's
no
limits
on
what
can
happen.
I've
been
stalked...
by
corpses,
monsters,
disfigured
children,
murderers,
characters,
demons,
you
name
it.
Living,
dead,
animal,
fantasy,
made-up
creature,
you
list
it,
I've
turned
around
to
spot
it
following
me,
to
see
its
head
slowly
turn
to
lock
eyes
with
mine,
to
see
it
stumble
slowly
toward
me.
And
to
know
I
can't
move,
can't
speak,
can't
scream,
can't
do
anything
but
try
to
calm
myself
down
and
not
do
anything
to
disrupt
the
actual
reality
taking
place
around
me-
my
workplace,
a
store,
my
home,
school,
wherever
I
am.
The
sights
are
bad,
sensations
are
worse.
I've
been
injected,
had
my
bits
of
my
brain
removed
through
my
nose,
had
my
limbs
cut
open
to
the
shredded
sinew
inside,
had
my
chestplate
punctured
for
marrow,
had
my
kidneys
cut
out.......
yes,
real
physical
pain
accompanies
those
intrusive
images,
as
well
as
a
sense
of
overwhelming
fear,
I
guess
that
something
that's
not
based
in
reality
can
affect
me
so
much. I
just
feel
so
defeated,
so
frustrated.
I
have
no
defense
but
what
reality
offers,
and
the
images
are
unlimited.
Literally.
They
can
do
anything
to
me
anytime,
unbound
by
physics,
logistics,
probability,
fictionalness,
and
all
other
tenets
of
reality.
I
can't
fight
back,
and
worse,
I
can't
even
speak
up.
Can't
shout,
can't
defend
myself
with
my
hands.
I
can
only
be
victimized
over
and
over
and
hold
my
breath
as
a
I
turn
every
corner,
waiting
to
see
if
the
next
bend
holds
reality
or
some
fantasy
beast
conjured
from
some
hellish
alternate
world.
I
am
bound
by
the
ropes
of
reality,
like
Prometheus
to
the
rock.
They
are
free
to
peck
at
my
entrails
unstopped,
like
the
ravens.
I
am
so
tired,
and
so
sick,
and
so
unbelievably.......
I
don't
know.
Drained.
Done.
Defeated.
Please,
someone
hold
me.
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