Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

Born in southeast Kansas to a poor Catholic couple. Oldest of four girls raised in quiet little farming community. Being of German heritage
my father kept beer around always. I loved the stuff and really grew to like it as a teenager. Like all families on earth mine was dysfunctional
in its purest form. I know damned well my parents
blamed me for them getting pregnant before marriage at a time and place that did not accept
such conduct ever??? They screamed and yelled and
knocked me around a lot more than the others. I lived in an environment that ridiculed the educated and the well-off, that placed physical
beauty and the church above all else and woe be
unto anyone who questioned their beliefs! My father had a violent temper, and my mother was/is/
and always will be a movie-star-wannabe. She lied.
She was jealous of everyone even her own daughters. She loved being a victim and loved playing the role of my father's "little girl". She
made me sick with her whining and acting for him.
I was totally humiliated by her childlike ways in
his presence. Many times I took a beating because
of her lies and of being too cowardly to own up to her own actions and behavior. After grad from
HS in 1967 I went to secretarial school 90 miles
away in the cow capital of the world. There I
met my husband and we married in the fall of 1968.
In the summer of 1971 the first of our three sons
was born. When the youngest was only 11mths old,
his father abandoned me, him and his two older
brothers who were 2 and 4. I discovered what it
was like to be on welfare and to use food stamps.
Somehow I borrowed money to attend school, and in
the spring of 1980 I received my Bachelor of Science in Bus Admin. Unable to overcome all the
rejections I took a job in a meat packing plant
at night. From there I went to work helping to
build a nuclear power plant. And during this time
I never received one dime of child support or help
from any family member on either side. Their father drifted from one end of the country to the
other drinking, drinking, drinking, all the time
everywhere. Sometimes he didn't even know his own
name or where he was and how he got there. It was
a financial hell for me and those three little
boys. The older two boys were studious and hard working and high achievers. My youngest son was
studious and hard working and developed a mean streak that put him on the wrong side of the law
at age 18. I drank socially all of my life, but I
believe it was around this time that I discovered
I could drown my troubles DAILY with alcohol. As
the boys moved on and made lives for themselves I
spent every minute I wasn't at work locked in my
house drinking. The next 10 years enough beer to
float a ship. Not only did I become sullen and
withdrawn and depressed but I became an ogre nobody wanted to work with, be with, or anything
else with, friend, family or foe. I did not care
if I lived or died. My finances were a mess.
The house and yard were a mess. By February 2003
I was guzzling nearly a case of beer everyday and
more on my day off work. Someone somewhere was
praying for me on that day over five years ago
when I finally took my therapist's advice and
sought help in the rooms of AA. It was a miracle
that day, 'cause I did not want to quit drinking.
With the love, patience and guidance of my friends
in AA I have learned how to love life and to want
to live it to its fullest potential every single
day--without alcohol.

Reading. Writing. Attending AA meetings. Going to
my Book Clubs. Granddaughter in Kentucky. Peace.
Quiet. Serenity. Laughter.

Disorderly conduct. Disturbing my peace. Intruding on my space. Loud noises. Bullies.

New Age. Rock from 50s, 60s,70s such as Creedence
Clearwater Revival, The Doors, The Rolling Stones.
Folk such as Simon & Garfunkle, Dylan, Joan Baez.
Jazz. Blues. Easy Listening. Piano. Acoustic guitar. Flamenco. Gypsy. World. Chinese, Japanese,
Morrocan, Mid-Eastern sounds. Native American.

The Kite Runner. Water For Elephants. Diary of a
Midwife. Letters of a Woman Homesteader. Grapes of
Wrath. Kindred. Roots. Gone With The Wind. I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings. Into Thin Air. Into The Wild. When God Was A Woman. Under the Banner of Heaven. Three Cups of Tea. Plum Wine.
Digging To America. Dry. Parched.

The Parent Trap. The Grapes of Wrath. Oklahoma.
Funny Girl. Yentl. Cabaret. Porgy and Bess.
To Sir With Love. Caddyshack. Prairie Home Companion. Ryan's Daughter. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. Sting. Love Story. Beaches. MASH.

Reading, Writing and Collecting handmade ragdolls.