Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

I was suffering from unwanted thoughts since my 15 and maybe further in the past. It was too scary for me to talk about my problem to anyone and especially describing the bad thoughts, so I almost kept it as a secret. Sometimes I thought that maybe I should stop worrying about the elements of my thoughts and maybe it's something normal that most other people have too. It only happened quite recently that in my greatest surprise I found out that it's an actual disorder and this changed everything. I finally could explain a lot about myself and thought back in my past to see a lot of interesting things under a diferrent perspective. I am so happy I finally found an answer!

My type is PureOCD so most probably you won't notice any external rituals from my side. It was just all these thoughts that were bothering, having to do with violence, sadism, sexual orgies, generaly thinking of making something horrible to persons I cared about without my personality approving these stuff. It was like a demon was inside my head and forced me to make these thoughts. Ok,. you probably know what I am talking about ;P

Other than that, my OCD gave me some gifts like my consistent doubt, analytical thinking, perfectionism, focus, passion and actually rendering me into another suffering deviant of this society having to bother with bullies, ignorants or even my closest friends and family just for the different I happened to be. The gift from this last one actually, is that it made me to be able to view things under a diferrent perspective, being able to understand and sympathize people who are different or simply weird. Knowing that nobody thinks the same way and understanding is the key to help people. Not forcing them to change as most people do.

As for my regular life, I've been studying maths, being an enthousiastic programmer and maybe that will be my job in the near future. My old focus since 1998 was my wish to become a great computer programmer and my discovery of the demoscene community changed my sense of creativity and I instantly became dedicated to it. Though, someone should be working a lot in front of his computer to learn things and I really went for it, which resulted in fights with my parents who were afraid of the extensive computer use. Becoming quite obsessed with achieving this plan was another reason to be sad with all this thing because I struggled to achieve all these and the enviroment around me didn't liked it, thus there were several times I hated my hobby (if someone could call that a hobby ;P) or wasn't truly productive. Now I know this extreme obsession can be another side of my OCD, though I like the productivity it resulted in, unlike the sad effects. I found ways to keep the balance but still being as little productive as I can without getting down. Hard..

I spend most of my other time analyzing things. Lonely walks at night while talking with myself, building a unique atmosphere in my voice and rythm of walk that matches my mood and theme of discussion, matters being about my problems, society, alternative perception of human matters, my hobbies, my dreams or anything else. I get quite crazy with this! (Still having to research if my OCD or anything else has to do with 30% of my attitude in real life like this or anything else).

I have build a passion that will use my doubt and analytical thinking on everything having to do with the problems of this world, especially the ones having to do with all the deviants versus society, a focus for life to use all my mental power and knowledge of suffering that my OCD has given to me to get deeper into the truth of everything and actually express all the things I will learn to make people understand and change their perception of things. It's a pitty how predictable can people become in their opinions and how this is becoming unright at times for different people who cannot be understood.

Other than that, my favorite song is Further by VNV Nation.

Analyzing

Ignorance

VNV Nation

The Hitchhiker's guide to the Galaxy

One flew over the cuckoo's nest

Demoscene, Coding, Computers, Paranormal, Strange.

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