I know ill never be able to correct my madness ... so i just use it to my advantage when i can. I cant solve all the worlds problems although in my heart of hearts i think i can... you know the whole crazy i can change the world type a passion thing going on.... passionate in every single thing i do. whether it be video games...sports..love...poetry... soul searching..debating.... conversating.... musically... spiritually.... mentally... in every facet pretty much. i like to think of myself as an old soul...... im a big time goof. i like to crack jokes n make people laugh..i do plenty of impersonations and random jibberish that keeps my friends entertained n what not. i really appreciate the gift of music that artists give to us. music in its original essence was meant to be used for us to either express our love for God or for each other. over time it has grown to be just about suitable for any purpose...but quality wise..watered down and made a mockery of. *one of the wonders of the world is going down...and no one cares. * lady wise the ones with the intangible substance are what catch my eye.... “The difference between pretty and beautiful is- pretty is temporal-whereas beautiful is eternal.”.............. i like to believe that you could either be in friggin disney world and have a miserable time....or be in some friggin sahara desert yet have a blast...it all depends on what you make of it! I'm a deep thinker...sometimes too deep for my own good. I enjoy connecting with people... sorta like heres my eyes borrow them for a sec...and if you don't mind ....i"d like to see how it it looks like from your perspective
added july 29*
Just a quick rundown on the history for a sec... All my life I've known that i was different. the full extent of all my problems I am still revealing to myself. I am very very aware both of surroundings and self. I just started seeeing a therapist for the first time in my life.. not having insurance , growing up in a rather poor family, a lot of self medicating with weed etc over the years... had them sending me to weed rehabs during the teen years but i always argued to everyone that there was a far greater problem at hand. i have a looooooooong story to long to just ramble on about on here.. when i told my therapist all that i discovered on my own.. he was just at a loss for words.
I have had severe battles with scrupulosity,
to me my ocd is way too advanced to just limit it to pure o. its taken many many different forms over the years.
severe depression for a long time.
self defeating personality disorder
body dysmorphic disorder
many physical sicknesses over the years that i myself had to come to the conclusion was casued by the mental/nerves etc. because the doctors were to ignorant to be able to point that out to me before milking for the $$$.
either social phobia or some kind of social anxiety disorder ive always had that severely and its caused me to miss out on so much that everyone just takes for granted but.. im not done.
but yea im currently on serequel for taming the tormenting thoughts and some kind of anti depressant ill fill it in when i remember the name.
If there is anything I can leave behind when I'm gone ...it might not be fortunes for friends and loved ones..but I do want to be able to have people measure my good against the wickednessa and somehow have the good outshine it. I want to find a way to get my words read by just the right pair of eyes so that children...adults, older people..... everyone and anyone that suffers in silence and built a prison for themselves. It is so essential for them to know that *someone* out here cares and we might not find the exact destination we seek but worst case scenario is we all end up lost together. My dream is once I get back in school I want to aim for helping children and people with Ocd and other tormenting illnesses. The mind is the most underestimated part of our health by far. A soul/mind in torment and agony can truly allow an entire lifetime to pass them by because they were to ashamed to reach out for help. Too worried about being rejected and being doomed to a life of loneliness by admitting such sacred secrets. But we usually dislike what we do not understand. Understanding and comprehension are the first first steps in recognizing when and how to go about a change that is needed. I'm elated to report that the good in me is putting up a lot of more of a struggle than the darkness had anticipated. When once I only escaped the hell by dreaming and imagining a better life... " it was like a fantasy tv show playing in my mind" Did i stop all the crazy dreams and imagination? NO not by a longshot. But I can see a vague possibility of some dreams becoming reality. They all start with the simplest gesture. perhaps someone said something so encouraging so beautiful that it triggers the dead joy inside of us to arise once again. maybe being close to losing someone dear to cancer but encountering a blessing along the way causes you to reevaluate what really matters. If we could all just be kids again. maybe we can't literally do it but there is one thing that we can recapture in our lives. Childlike faith. Not being able to break down why or how but you just know that our stories will have happy endings. think about it . You enter inthos this world crying yet you make everyone around you smile. if later on in life i could find a way to put enough smiles on enough faces taht people genuinely can cry for my departure ..my soul can rest knowing that my life wasted wasted in vain . but rather spent in meaning. amazed by teh simplest things and bored by the " uhhh mazing" to be continued we're the coolest kind of crazy there is, dammn it! =) i do have a myspace...aim and yahoo..just ask.
not much chance, completely cut loose from purpose, he was a young man riding a bus through North Carolina on the wat to somewhere and it began to snow and the bus stopped at a little cafe in the hills and the passengers entered. he sat at the counter with the others, he ordered and the food arived. the meal was particularly good and the coffee. the waitress was unlike the women he had known. she was unaffected, there was a natural humor which came from her. the fry cook said crazy things. the dishwasher. in back, laughed, a good clean pleasant laugh. the young man watched the snow through the windows. he wanted to stay in that cafe forever. the curious feeling swam through him that everything was beautiful there, that it would always stay beautiful there. then the bus driver told the passengers that it was time to board. the young man thought, I'll just sit here, I'll just stay here. but then he rose and followed the others into the bus. he found his seat and looked at the cafe through the bus window. then the bus moved off, down a curve, downward, out of the hills. the young man looked straight foreward. he heard the other passengers speaking of other things, or they were reading or attempting to sleep. they had not noticed the magic. the young man put his head to one side, closed his eyes, pretended to sleep. there was nothing else to do- just to listen to the sound of the engine, the sound of the tires in the snow. "charles bukowski"
cherish your visions; cherish your ideals; cherish the music that stirs in your heart, the beauty that forms in your mind, the loveliness that drapes your purest thoughts, for out of them will grow all delightful conditions, all heavenly enviornment; of these, if you but remain true to them, your world will at last be built. "james allen" Two Wolves One winter’s evening whilst gathered round a blazing camp fire, an old Sioux Indian chief told his grandson about the inner struggle that goes on inside people. “You see” said the old man, “this inner struggle is like two wolves fighting each other. One is evil, full of anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, deceit, false pride, superiority, and ego”. “The other one,” he continued, poking the fire with a stick so that the fire crackled, sending the flames clawing at the night sky, “is good, full of joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith”. For a few minutes his grandson pondered his grandfather’s words and then asked, “So which wolf wins, grandfather?” “Well”, said the wise old chief, his lined face breaking into a wry smile, “The one you feed!”
tornadoes, dogs+cats, deep convos, clowning around, people who can still hang around even when im dead silent, God's wonders ( awesome sunsets, beautiful skys,mountains, space, the way every animal is linked to another,)i cant draw to save my life but i really appreciate art and the stories photography tells,knicks, yankees, giants, the uniqueness that comes with being 'crazy",csi,law and order
people who constantly induce drama and confrontation, those who judge without knowledge, any dude who attempts to abuse an animal in my presence is getting kicked in the face and bodyslammed.period point blank!...... ,shallowness in every form, redsox and mets lol, robin williams,watermelons..the current GARBAGE state of rap, the torment that encompasses me.
another all day lister... but eclectic mostly rock, oldies,salsa, d and b, top bands in no particular order: radiohead,dredg,ill nino,deftones,chevelle,rishloo, judgement day , invert
imp of the mind lee baer
freedom from obsessive compulisve disorder ( a personalized recovery program for living with uncertainty) by dr jonahtan grayson
as a man thinketh james allen . excellent read.
1 Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.
2 Wash away all my iniquity
and cleanse me from my sin.
3 For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is always before me.
4 Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you are proved right when you speak
and justified when you judge.
5 Surely I was sinful at birth,
sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
6 Surely you desire truth in the inner parts [a] ;
you teach [b] me wisdom in the inmost place.
7 Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
8 Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
9 Hide your face from my sins
and blot out all my iniquity.
10 Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
11 Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will turn back to you.
14 Save me from bloodguilt, O God,
the God who saves me,
and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.
15 O Lord, open my lips,
and my mouth will declare your praise.
16 You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
17 The sacrifices of God are [c] a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart,
O God, you will not despise.
18 In your good pleasure make Zion prosper;
build up the walls of Jerusalem.
19 Then there will be righteous sacrifices,
whole burnt offerings to delight you;
then bulls will be offered on your altar.
could be here forever but everything from transformers to donnie darko to anger management..anchor man,bronx tale,batman dark knight,forbidden kingdom,saw,idiocracy,signs,adamn sandler /will ferrel flix..lemme stop!
When I don't have music to drown out my thoughts...........
it's like ( my brain) I cant use it.............no matter how fierce "the battling" is faught.
all but pierced... its javelin is caught........
in between the skin on my ass and my saddle..................../is distraught/
no steady rides....
just heavy glides.....
shiver shudder shatter
river runner rapture...
timber tumble tatted.......
decipher don't be simple minded....
one can give clues as where to seek the water........
but its your thirst's quest to find it....
cant always find it by rooting out the cause...
shooting doubt because............
uncertainty is the root of all fear..
certainty is the truth behind tears...
** the angel tells me in a whisper**
rather than weaken the ploy........
seek n destroy....
for the meek shall be void........
of all that is temporal....yet filled with eternity....
and it is your job to burn this fire in your soul eternally...
the bite of the stinging cold might cause you to shiver..
... yet in these times be sure to immerse yourself in the river.....
...know when to let music let your heart dance yet also know when to appreciate it's timber....
.....if the shiver turns to a shudder...... then let your spirit become the Runner.....
................Run till your feet are content....... ...please understand that sometimes a tumble is welcomed................................if met with too much resistance........... ones heart just might shatter..........
.. in this case be born again in the skys rapture.......
.....with wisdom and nobility you shall be tatted.......
"please dont lie to me!!!............ let not horns be where your halo once rested"...........
she replies with a curious smile.......
knowledge is fleeting but love is forever. .