Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

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Don't be tree trunk, don't fall on my living roots.
I've been humming too many words, got a weak self esteem
That's been stomped away from every single dream
But there's something else.....>


I dont know karate but i do know Ka_rayyzeeee!:)







added july 29*




work in the bronx doing data entry...need to get my ass back in college asap.... hopefully this time around will be different.








Just a quick rundown on the history for a sec...
All my life I've known that i was different. the full extent of all my problems I am still revealing to myself. I am very very aware both of surroundings and self. I just started seeeing a therapist for the first time in my life.. not having insurance , growing up in a rather poor family, a lot of self medicating with weed etc over the years... had them sending me to weed rehabs during the teen years but i always argued to everyone that there was a far greater problem at hand. i have a looooooooong story to long to just ramble on about on here.. when i told my therapist all that i discovered on my own.. he was just at a loss for words.

I have had severe battles with scrupulosity,


to me my ocd is way too advanced to just limit it to pure o. its taken many many different forms over the years.


severe depression for a long time.


self defeating personality disorder


body dysmorphic disorder


many physical sicknesses over the years that i myself had to come to the conclusion was casued by the mental/nerves etc. because the doctors were to ignorant to be able to point that out to me before milking for the $$$.


either social phobia or some kind of social anxiety disorder ive always had that severely and its caused me to miss out on so much that everyone just takes for granted but.. im not done.


but yea im currently on serequel for taming the tormenting thoughts and some kind of anti depressant ill fill it in when i remember the name.


If there is anything I can leave behind when I'm gone ...it might not be fortunes for friends and loved ones..but I do want to be able to have people measure my good against the wickednessa and somehow have the good outshine it. I want to find a way to get my words read by just the right pair of eyes so that children...adults, older people..... everyone and anyone that suffers in silence and built a prison for themselves. It is so essential for them to know that *someone* out here cares and we might not find the exact destination we seek but worst case scenario is we all end up lost together. My dream is once I get back in school I want to aim for helping children and people with Ocd and other tormenting illnesses. The mind is the most underestimated part of our health by far. A soul/mind in torment and agony can truly allow an entire lifetime to pass them by because they were to ashamed to reach out for help. Too worried about being rejected and being doomed to a life of loneliness by admitting such sacred secrets. But we usually dislike what we do not understand. Understanding and comprehension are the first first steps in recognizing when and how to go about a change that is needed. I'm elated to report that the good in me is putting up a lot of more of a struggle than the darkness had anticipated. When once I only escaped the hell by dreaming and imagining a better life... " it was like a fantasy tv show playing in my mind"
Did i stop all the crazy dreams and imagination? NO not by a longshot. But I can see a vague possibility of some dreams becoming reality. They all start with the simplest gesture. perhaps someone said something so encouraging so beautiful that it triggers the dead joy inside of us to arise once again. maybe being close to losing someone dear to cancer but encountering a blessing along the way causes you to reevaluate what really matters. If we could all just be kids again. maybe we can't literally do it but there is one thing that we can recapture in our lives. Childlike faith. Not being able to break down why or how but you just know that our stories will have happy endings. think about it . You enter inthos this world crying yet you make everyone around you smile. if later on in life i could find a way to put enough smiles on enough faces taht people genuinely can cry for my departure ..my soul can rest knowing that my life wasted wasted in vain . but rather spent in meaning.




i sweaaar im SOOOO f@ckIN IRKED! I JUST SAT HERE AND TYPED UP A COOL ASS profile in vain cause it gave me the "busy" message then disappeard...GRRRR.....lol... here we go again...the biggest procastinator but ive stopped putting it off...so yea...lets see ima nutjob and ahalf and proud of it :). When some fat bastard makes a gigantic methane gas ball of death escape from thier ass, I liek to claim it as my own...to gain cool man points from the ladies...lol...a good heart is the sexiest thing in the world..../NO REALLY/. I believe in exposing my weaknesses with no hesitation... because when you do so... your enemies ( even if its's yourself) they tend to over zoom in on the achilles heell ( spellings gone to hell!)and underestimate ones strengths...soo in turn that always keeps you a step ahead. In this life ive learned that even in the darkest pitch black nights...one must just cool the f@ck out...ligthen up...crack a joke and learn how to take one...clown around a bit ..make people smile ( yes even if it FEELS fake...( what the f@ck ever!)am i saying to do an around the clock circus act and never take anything serious?? negative... but wait... soo.. just walk around all DOOMSDAYISH... grim reapers comina get ya cause ya thought a sick thought.... panic ridden... therapys the only solution... looney toon bin driven ..... f@ck up everyones day around you and drown the life outta everything even though u really just want "understanding" gotta solve it all NOW type gig??? UHH NO..tried it..did';nt pan out. theres gotta be some kind of happy medium.. always lived by the saying... " what we cant see with our eyes is what's eternal" so putting hopes in material things and temporary pleasures is all vanity in my eyes. just give me some music , crazy concerts, poetry , sports... deep convos... movies video games and im good to go..... amazed by teh simplest things and bored by the " uhhh mazing" to be continued


we're the coolest kind of crazy there is, dammn it!
=)

i do have a myspace...aim and yahoo..just ask.












cherish your visions; cherish your ideals; cherish the music that stirs in your heart, the beauty that forms in your mind, the loveliness that drapes your purest thoughts, for out of them will grow all delightful conditions, all heavenly enviornment; of these, if you but remain true to them, your world will at last be built. "james allen"

tornadoes, dogs+cats, deep convos, clowning around, people who can still hang around even when im dead silent, God's wonders ( awesome sunsets, beautiful skys,mountains, space, the way every animal is linked to another,)i cant draw to save my life but i really appreciate art and the stories photography tells,knicks, yankees, giants, the uniqueness that comes with being 'crazy",csi,law and order

[IMG]http://i71.photobucket.com/albums/i137/guezzwatxxusuk/chiefdfdf.jpg[/IMG]

people who constantly induce drama and confrontation, those who judge without knowledge, any dude who attempts to abuse an animal in my presence is getting kicked in the face and bodyslammed.period point blank!...... ,shallowness in every form, redsox and mets lol, robin williams,watermelons..the current GARBAGE state of rap, the torment that encompasses me.

another all day lister... but eclectic mostly rock, oldies,salsa, d and b, top bands in no particular order: radiohead,dredg,ill nino,deftones,chevelle

imp of the mind lee baer



freedom from obsessive compulisve disorder ( a personalized recovery program for living with uncertainty) by dr jonahtan grayson


as a man thinketh james allen . excellent read.

could be here forever but everything from transformers to donnie darko to anger management..anchor man,bronx tale,batman dark knight,forbidden kingdom,saw,idiocracy,signs,..lemme stop!

music, poetry, concerts, sports, movies, comic books , working out, running, debating, basketball,

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